I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
