I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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