This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
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