i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
wat bout pragnant strippers??
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
