"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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