I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
