You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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