there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
vagina is talking i cant
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
