i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
