My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
