Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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