Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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