Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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