totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
