I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
