Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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