she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
