I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I touched a dick in church today
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
