No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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