Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
