I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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