hotel room ftw
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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