none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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