Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
