1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I understand Curling. That high.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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