I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
