worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
