the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
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