i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
