you guys were way drunker than both of me
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
