I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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