those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
