I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
