It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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