Will you blow on my dice?
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
