I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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