If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
