Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
