I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
