I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
