i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize