And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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