R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
