Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Randomize
