my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize