Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Randomize
