My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
