I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
