I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
