Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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