I think I won the penis lottery.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
