Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
