i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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