No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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