you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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