he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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