so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
