he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
