If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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