this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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