but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
