So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
