It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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