You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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