Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
