My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
