new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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